Sometimes being single means you get the small ornament

Since it's Christmas-time and everyone seems to be telling stories of Christmas' past, here's another story of Christmas in my family.

It was the year 1998.  I was coming home after my first semester of college in Ohio.  What college student doesn't look forward to coming home, car full of dirty laundry.  I think once you've been away from home for a few months, you forget all the little things you hated about home.  You are excited to be pampered by mom.  She'll cook your favorite meals, wash all that laundry, and wipe your nose remind you that all is well in the world.  This was how my Christmas break began.  It was a wondrous thing.

Then Christmas day arrived.

My brother and his wife were there.  My sister and her fiance were there.  My parents and I were there, of course.  It was a tradition in my family that my mom would get a Hallmark ornament each year.  Sometimes the ornament was a milestones, like "Our First Christmas Together" or something.  This year was special for my sister because she was engaged so she got a special one.  One by one they opened their precious ornament box.  I can't remember what they got but it was a normal sized ornament.  Then came my turn...

I tore off the wrapping paper and found the box...

Ok, the box was small but whatever.  Then I opened the box to see the actual ornament.

Still don't believe me that it was small?  Here's another view...

Seriously.  Why was the polar bear holding a fish in a block of ice?  It's like the bear is saying "It's ok that you're alone.  Here.  Have a fish".  I just stared at it for a minute.  It took that long to comprehend why Hallmark would even make an ornament that small!  My sister giggled a little then made some remark about how tiny it was.  Of course my mother felt horrible.  She didn't think the ornament would be THAT small.   We laughed about it and continued on with the gift giving.


I learned a valuable lesson that day.  Sometimes being single means you get the tiny, reject ornament.  So I needed to get married for no other reason than to get a better ornament.  Luckily I found a guy who could look past the tiny polar bear ornament.  :) After I married and put our first Christmas tree, I found that ornament tucked away in a box.  I put it on the tree and smiled.  Then I turned to show Joel how much tinier it looked on the big tree.  One problem...I couldn't find it again!  Seriously!  It was gone!  It had blended in with the tree!  We eventually found it but every Christmas from then on that ornament was left in the box.  Couldn't risk it being a choking hazard.

Go Karts and Spider Webs

I grew up in the country.  Now before you all think I'm a country bumpkin who can churn her own butter, let me just tell you that the "country" doesn't mean Little House on the Prairie.  We had an acreage surrounded by farms.  Pig farms, cow farms, and corn...oh my.  It was a great upbringing.  Back in those days you could ride your bike for hours and not be concerned about horrible things like kidnapping and child endangerment.  My mom would kick us out of the house and tell us to be back by supper.  We'd walk the 1/2 mile to the elementary school at the end of the street (because it had the only playground for miles).  Sometimes we'd even wander the prairie grass the took up the back acre of our land.  You never knew what you'd find back there.  Deer carcasses, pheasants, and garden spiders.

Now I hate spiders.  HATE THEM HATE THEM HATE THEM.  It doesn't matter if they're teeny tiny or ginormous.  I hate them all.  If I see one in my house, I scream for Joel to come kill it.  If he's not home, I will buck up and kill it.  I'm like a mama bear protecting her cubs from the mountain lion.  I will go insane on that spider.

So one day my dad bought a go-kart for us kids.  Where it came from, who knows?  It doesn't matter because it was OURS!  We could ride that thing for hours.  Didn't matter that it was only a piece of metal with 4 tires, a seat, a wheel, and absolutely zero shock absorbers.   We thought it looked like this...



But it actually looked more like this...



We'd ride that thing all over our yard.  My brother was the crazy, insane one.  He'd push the gas pedal as hard as he could and go flying around the house and between the trees.  And he'd do it all with his mouth open!!  I'm pretty sure his uvula blocked at least a few of the flies from going straight down his throat.  My sister would go a little slower but freak out if she went too fast.  She and her friend, Mari once knocked over a pine tree.  But that's a story for another day.

My dad wanted us to have more fun with the go-kart and we had a whole acre of land not being used so he back there with the lawn mower one day and blazed a track for us.  It was awesome.  It was basically 2 giant circles, the short path and the long path.  We had just one entrance to the prairie grass track but then it split into 2 tracks from there.  One path did a little loop then headed back to the entrance/exit.  The other path made a larger loop then headed back.  Endless fun for us.  Sometimes we'd scare up a pheasant or two.  Occasionally we'd see a deer carcass.  Those were...awesome...occasions.

An even better occasion was when you encountered a spider web.  Better yet when a garden spider was planted in the middle of the spider web.  Now imagine, if you will going full speed through the best darn prairie grass go-kart trail west of the Mississippi.  You're maxed out at 10mph but it feels more like 60.  You're looking around at all the scenery in the prairie grass.  There's a pheasant flying over head.  Bambi and her mom have found a place to sleep.  All is well in your little corner of the universe.  Then BAM.  You hit this...
                            
...the spawn of Satan.  Suddenly your nice, peaceful trip is interrupted by screams of agony!  There's a spider on your head!  It's 8 legs of torture are winding their way to your face so they can suck the life right out of you.  Why would this spider make a web directly over your beautiful prairie grass track?  For all that is humane in this world, WHY?

I shall tell you why.  Because spiders are the most horrific, terrible creatures in this world.  I'm convinced that they are only in this world to cause pain and destruction.  They're like little aliens, looking for our weaknesses so they can take over the world.

So here is my challenge to the 4 people that read my blog.  Rise up!  Kill the spiders!  Let kids ride their go-karts through their prairie grass track in peace!  People of Blog-land, unite!

My little wippersnapper

Hannah just cracks me up sometimes.  She'll say something with such honesty and boldness that I can't help but laugh.  After the whole "Panera" incident, I've learned that she's not shy about asking questions or stating facts.  Here are a few snippets...

I have a rule at dinner that you have to eat as many bites of food as you are in age.  So for Hannah, 6 bites.  For Noah, 3.  Here's what happened:

Me: Hannah, you need to eat 6 bites of your soup before you can get up from the table.
Hannah:  Well, then I guess you need to eat 32 bites before you can get up, mommy!
Me: uh...ok.

Here are a few more...

Me:  Noah, tie your shoes.  I mean, Hannah tie your shoes!
Hannah: Mommy, it's ok that you forgot my name.  You're old.  You forget things.
Me:  I'm not old!  I'm 32!  Oh good grief.  I'm arguing with a 6-year-old.

Hannah: Mommy, am I going to die?
Me: Well, at some point, yes.  But not for a very long time.
Hannah I'm glad you're going to die before me so I can see what happens.
Me: Well, I'm glad I could help you out.

Hannah: I lost my first tooth!
Me: Yea!  Go put it under your pillow and the tooth fairy will bring you a quarter.
Hannah: Mommy, I know you and daddy are the tooth fairy.  And instead of a quarter can I have an IPad?
Me: Uh...no.

Christmas Memories...

So you know how everyone has these memories of wonderful Christmas' of the past?  There's caroling around the tree, drinking hot chocolate while watching the fire crackle and burn in the fireplace, tucking the kids in bed while they can barely contain their excitement that SANTA is coming...

Those aren't my memories.

Now, I didn't have a rough childhood.  We always had plenty of presents under the tree.  I've never believed in Santa (gasp!) but I loved getting up early on Christmas morning (my big brother would set his alarm so he could get up my sister and me...we were dorks).  Inevitably I'd get shoes, underwear and some kind of book.  Classic "you needed them" presents.

However, my most memorable Christmas didn't happen when I was a child.  It happened just a few years ago at my daughter's first Christmas.  Before you think I'm going to get all sappy and talk about how she opened a present and gave us a huge grin, thereby inducing tear filled moments, think again.  I'm not that nostalgic.  Or sappy.

I like to call this story "The day we almost starved to death".

Let me set the stage.  Hannah was 7-months-old.  Like many Christmas' before, we all gathered together at my husband's family's house.  And also like many Christmas' before, Joel and I were the first ones there.  When we're told we're going to eat at 1, we're there at 12:30 so we can set up our food and be ready to actually EAT at 1.  Silly us.

Now let me just say that Joel has 5 sisters.  3 of those sisters have 5 of their own children.  Simple math tells you that 15 kids right there.  At this time we only had 1 and another one of Joel's sisters only had 1.  So there were 17 kids to be fed, plus 12 adults.  Again with the simple math.  29 people.  Let's just round up to 30, shall we?  I'm probably forgetting someone anyway.

I love Joel's family, I really do.  But when it comes to punctuality, well...there is none.  I could tell another story about my wedding day, but that's for another day.  Since my family is notoriously on-time for everything, this took a lot of getting used to when I married in to his family.  Luckily I beat  helped Joel be a punctual person and he helps me to lighten up a little :)

So back to Christmas day.  1:00 came and went and still Joel, Hannah and I were the only ones at his parent's house.  Over the next hour, 3 of his sisters arrived with their kids.  1 sister lived out of state so she wasn't coming.  2:00 came and we were still waiting for the last sister to arrive.  By now my stomach was more than growling.  It was becoming this loud beast, making gnarling sounds and cramping.  And lest you think I'm a terrible mother, Hannah was a baby so she ate...something or other.

FINALLY the straggling sister arrived with her brood.  It was time to eat.  Or so we thought.

Let me say again, I love Joel's family.  I really do.  But some Christmas traditions need to be postponed until the empty caverns that were out stomachs could be filled.  But some traditions can not be postponed.  So we all gathered together in a room the size of a 1-car-garage (because it was a renovated 1-car-garage) and proceeded to read the Christmas story.  Did I mention there were 30 of us?  Oh, and did I mention the fireplace was on?  After the Christmas story was read, it was time to sing carols.  Now you may be thinking of just a few "Oh Holy Nights"  Nope, the living room has a piano.  And we had hymnals.  By this time my stomach was starting to eat my spleen.

I can't remember how many songs we sang since I'm pretty sure I blacked out from starvation for a time.  What I remember next was a tape being put into the tape deck.  Yes, the tape deck.  They still exist!  My father-in-law does have a nice singing voice.  So he thought it'd be nice to share a special music number with us.  Like I said, he has a nice singing voice.  A nice, LOUD singing voice.  Remember how we're all crammed in a small space?  Remember that there are 30 of us?  Remember how we're all sweating from being is the above-mentioned small space and the fire going?  Oh, and remember how I'm losing my spleen? Well, then imagine being yelled at graced with a special 4-minute song.

By the time the song was over and it was announced we could eat, it was closing in on 3:30.

Some people have wonderful Christmas memories; I'm just thankful I still have my spleen.