Go Karts and Spider Webs

I grew up in the country.  Now before you all think I'm a country bumpkin who can churn her own butter, let me just tell you that the "country" doesn't mean Little House on the Prairie.  We had an acreage surrounded by farms.  Pig farms, cow farms, and corn...oh my.  It was a great upbringing.  Back in those days you could ride your bike for hours and not be concerned about horrible things like kidnapping and child endangerment.  My mom would kick us out of the house and tell us to be back by supper.  We'd walk the 1/2 mile to the elementary school at the end of the street (because it had the only playground for miles).  Sometimes we'd even wander the prairie grass the took up the back acre of our land.  You never knew what you'd find back there.  Deer carcasses, pheasants, and garden spiders.

Now I hate spiders.  HATE THEM HATE THEM HATE THEM.  It doesn't matter if they're teeny tiny or ginormous.  I hate them all.  If I see one in my house, I scream for Joel to come kill it.  If he's not home, I will buck up and kill it.  I'm like a mama bear protecting her cubs from the mountain lion.  I will go insane on that spider.

So one day my dad bought a go-kart for us kids.  Where it came from, who knows?  It doesn't matter because it was OURS!  We could ride that thing for hours.  Didn't matter that it was only a piece of metal with 4 tires, a seat, a wheel, and absolutely zero shock absorbers.   We thought it looked like this...



But it actually looked more like this...



We'd ride that thing all over our yard.  My brother was the crazy, insane one.  He'd push the gas pedal as hard as he could and go flying around the house and between the trees.  And he'd do it all with his mouth open!!  I'm pretty sure his uvula blocked at least a few of the flies from going straight down his throat.  My sister would go a little slower but freak out if she went too fast.  She and her friend, Mari once knocked over a pine tree.  But that's a story for another day.

My dad wanted us to have more fun with the go-kart and we had a whole acre of land not being used so he back there with the lawn mower one day and blazed a track for us.  It was awesome.  It was basically 2 giant circles, the short path and the long path.  We had just one entrance to the prairie grass track but then it split into 2 tracks from there.  One path did a little loop then headed back to the entrance/exit.  The other path made a larger loop then headed back.  Endless fun for us.  Sometimes we'd scare up a pheasant or two.  Occasionally we'd see a deer carcass.  Those were...awesome...occasions.

An even better occasion was when you encountered a spider web.  Better yet when a garden spider was planted in the middle of the spider web.  Now imagine, if you will going full speed through the best darn prairie grass go-kart trail west of the Mississippi.  You're maxed out at 10mph but it feels more like 60.  You're looking around at all the scenery in the prairie grass.  There's a pheasant flying over head.  Bambi and her mom have found a place to sleep.  All is well in your little corner of the universe.  Then BAM.  You hit this...
                            
...the spawn of Satan.  Suddenly your nice, peaceful trip is interrupted by screams of agony!  There's a spider on your head!  It's 8 legs of torture are winding their way to your face so they can suck the life right out of you.  Why would this spider make a web directly over your beautiful prairie grass track?  For all that is humane in this world, WHY?

I shall tell you why.  Because spiders are the most horrific, terrible creatures in this world.  I'm convinced that they are only in this world to cause pain and destruction.  They're like little aliens, looking for our weaknesses so they can take over the world.

So here is my challenge to the 4 people that read my blog.  Rise up!  Kill the spiders!  Let kids ride their go-karts through their prairie grass track in peace!  People of Blog-land, unite!