*WARNING*:: This post is very raw. It's me in my most honest state. You have been warned...
Fatigue (also called exhaustion, lethargy, languidness, languor, lassitude, and listlessness) is a state of awareness describing a range of afflictions, usually associated with physical and/or mental weakness...
That's from wikipedia. I hear people say they're 'fatigued' all the time but I never really understood what it meant. I always thought it just meant you're tired. 'So go take a nap!', I would think. But it's more than that. It's can be a combination of both mental and physical weakness. It's a lack of energy and motivation.
Lately I've been fatigued.
It's a combination of things, I think. One, I've been busy. Any way you cut it, my life is busy. I'm sure if I compared myself to others, there will be plenty that have 'busier' lives than me. Hannah and Noah are still pretty young. I know it's just going to get worse. Secondly, I've been so frustrated with my body. Bleh. Who wants to talk about their body? Not this girl! But I'm doing it anyway...
Joel and I went through a rough patch a while back. Without airing all our dirty laundry, the root of our problem was me. I'm not trying to be a martyr about it; it's just the truth. I have the self-esteem of an ant. When I was young, someone who I looked up to tried to bribe me to lose weight. I was always a chunky gal. Part of the problem was that I was head and shoulders taller than anyone else in my class, boys or girls! So I ate...a lot. Not healthy things like fruits and vegetables. Nope, it was cereal, bread, cheese...anything that tasted good. So I gained weight.
Through the years, I've yo-yo'd. I've been happy with my weight, then mad. I've been overweight, underweight, then right where I needed to be, only to jump up on the scale again after having babies. So I felt like crap. That spilled over into my personal life. I didn't feel pretty. I wanted to hide in the closet and never come out. Who wants to look through their closet full of clothes and not find a single thing that fits right or looks nice? It wore me out. Joel could sense there was a problem but I was too ashamed and embarrassed to say anything. Eventually he gave up trying. Looking back, I really can't blame him. He was married to a sloth. I was a sloth.
Joel and I had a 'come to Jesus' talk one night. We were at the end of our ropes. Something had to change or it was over. Neither of us would accept that.
Through the course of the next few months, we figured out the root of the problem. We've already established it was me. Yep, me. So I started working out, I watched what I ate, I tried to be happier about everything. And guess what? My self-esteem went...nowhere. All I was doing was looking for acceptance in other's opinion of myself. How was that healthy!? So I plateaued. I had been doing so great then BAM. Nothing. That leads us to the present.
I am still a sloth.
The past few weeks I haven't worked out at all, haven't cared what I ate. I could give every excuse in the book. I injured my knee (doing what, I have no clue!), I'm busy, Noah suddenly HATES going to the Y child care so he kicks and screams whenever I mention it. Makes working out pretty hard when you're worried about your son. If I wait until the kids to bed before doing a video, it's late and I'm tired. And getting up early in the morning? R.i.g.h.t. That would take discipline.
You know how everyone who has someone in their past who has doubted them will always say "oh, I'm going to show them!" I would love to be that person. I would love to look that person in the eye. The person who told me I'd never be pretty because I was too fat. The person who told me I'd never get married because no one wants a fat girl. The one who told me they'd give me $500 just to lose weight. The one who told me I was going to be a diabetic if I wasn't careful. I'd love to tell that person that I'm better than that. I can do it for me. Not for them. Not for Joel. Not even for my kids. I can do it for ME.
I'm tired of being fatigued. This sloth is ready for some action.
Keto Taco Lasagna
6 months ago
I love that you shared this. Partly because it's so endearing when someone really lays their heart out there but also because being healthy and finding that balance is something I'm passionate about and have struggled with (and still struggle with). As a result I've done A LOT of research over the past few years about a lot of different things so if you ever want my story or want to pick my brain please feel free! Also, if you want someone to watch Noah while you hit up the Y I'd be more than happy to do so! I'd love to help however I can, you are a beautiful woman inside and out :)
ReplyDeleteOh Sara! It saddens me to hear you talk about yourself like this. You are such a beautiful woman! Look harder in the mirror...you are absolutely gorgeous! It may not be as believable coming from someone that stuggles with my own weight, but please see what everyone else sees in you. You are a SUPER MOM!! You have a beautiful home, wonderful kids and a husband that adores you!
ReplyDeleteYou put too much pressure on yourself! Come on, you are worried you will disappoint your followers on Pinterest!?! The reason I can say this is because it sounds a lot like me! I too had someone close to me(my father) bribed me with a car if I lost weight. Obviously that did not pan out for him but he just didn't know what pain that caused and I thought I'd get back at him by eating whatever I wanted. Joke was on me and I formed some very unhealthy habits that still aren't broken.
But you are a woman that brought your newly born son over to my house simply because I wanted to see him so bad. You made cookies and lasagna for me when I was weak from treatments. You are a very special person so I hope that this is something that will pass quickly. For what it's worth...I think you are truly amazing!
Even though we don't talk as much these days, I will never forget how you and Joel drove up to see us at Mayo, and how wonderful you were always stopping by and saying hi when I was really at my lowest in the hospital. I admire you putting it out there how you've been feeling lately. I understand lows, whatever the reason for them, and I hope that you find the energy somewhere (in the busy life) and that things take a turn for the better soon. Don't put too much pressure on yourself though, from the things I have seen in you I believe you are pretty amazing already :).
ReplyDelete-Deborah Webb
Sara, you have published what so many people are feeling but can't admit. You don't like what you see and, of course, you are your own biggest critic. I don't have many experiences with you like I wish I had but we have so much in common (besides Joel).
ReplyDeleteThis past year, I too have been coming to grips with what I've allowed myself to become. I had to get to the point where I was disgusted before change was possible. Too many years were spent secretly resenting my husband or the kids or circumstances or whatever before I realized that it wasn't that anyone made me who I am, but that I allowed it. Now, I'm scrambling to reverse the physical damage and years lost to turn around for good while I still have time.
I applaud you for your desire to want to stop being a "sloth." I get that. I really do, because that's me too. I have recently made up my mind that as long as it is in my power, I will not allow circumstances to change my attitude. I will choose to be kind to my children even when they humiliate me in public. I will choose to take care of responsibilities before I do what I want to do. If I have too many responsibilities, I will delegate where I can (kids) and drop the ones that really aren't priorities.
You know, it's paying off. My children know where I stand and respect me more. My husband comes home with a smile now. The house is almost organized, but at least there's some semblance of order. Neighbors know when they can visit and phone calls are ignored when I'm spending quality time with a child. I'm still working on the snacking, but we're gaining traction.
It seems that you are surrounded by friends who would certainly help. Take them up on it and take time to rejuvenate. Put the Lord first each morning (whether you're a morning person or not) and if you let him, he WILL direct the rest of your day, guaranteed.
I think you're really pretty, and I'm a guy. And I think if you loose or gain weight you'll still be really pretty. Keep smiling.
ReplyDelete