The scariest thing...

Ya know how you always imagine what would be the scariest thing you'd even encounter?  When I was a kid, it was a spider.  Oh who am I kidding?  I'm still scared of spiders.  Only now I know how to yell for Joel to come kill them.  My hero.  Then when I got older it was being scared of being kidnapped (too many kidnapping movies!).  I think when I was in college it was the fear of failing a test.  I can't remember!  How sad is that?

Then I became a parent.  Suddenly the fears of my childhood paled in comparison to the fear that something bad would happen to my child.  These 2 little miracles are mine to care for.  The thought that something could happen to them is by far the scariest thing I could even encounter; it is my biggest fear.

Tonight that fear was made real.  Noah stopped breathing.

Let me back up.  Noah has been fighting a cold the past few days.  So has about every other person in the midwest.  However Noah seems to get croup at the drop of a hat.  (If you don't know what croup is, click here).  So I noticed tonight that he had a croupy-type cough.  That's just great.  Joel was currently at the urgent care office being tested for strep throat.  I had about a million things I needed to get done tonight.  Namely, make 2 pumpkin pies and 1 cherry pie.  The LAST thing I needed to do was take Noah in to the doctor.  Plus if I took Noah, I'd have to take Hannah since Joel was gone.  I figured I'd wait a little bit and see if his cough improved at all.  Maybe it's my imagination, I thought.  A few minutes later Noah emerged from under the counter (a favorite hiding spot for him) and showed me that he had gotten into Joel's protein powder and dumped it all over the floor.  I tamped down my irritation and calmly told him that we don't play in daddy's things and we'd clean it up.  Well, apparently that did him in.  He gave me the poochy-lip-quiver and got ready to let loose.  One thing about croup...you're supposed to keep the child calm.  If they get too upset and start crying, the airway closes even more making it very difficult/nearly impossible to breathe.  You can see where I'm going with this, right?

I tried to stop it, I really did.  But it was too late.  He started crying.  Not just a little wimper.  Nope, it was a full-on mommy-is-mad-at-me-so-I-must-cry-because-I-am-so-sad type of cry.  It only took about 10 seconds for the breathing to stop.  As I was holding him, trying to calm him, the crying ceased and he tried to inhale.  Nothing.  I could hear him start to struggle.  In that moment, all my medical training went out the window.  This was my baby.  What do I do?  Then my adrenaline started pumping and I flew into action.  Another thing I knew about croup is that if the child is struggling for breath, get them outside in the cold air or into a hot, steamy shower.  Well, the shower was going to take too long.  So out the door I went.  It was all of 25 degrees outside and we're out there shivering.  I, still in my work clothes and Noah in his pants and sweatshirt.  It felt like 20 minutes before he got a good breath but it was more like 20 seconds.  Still, those 20 seconds were the scariest seconds I've had.  I just held my son and prayed that his lungs would inflate, that he'd suck down some precious air.  When he took his first shaky breath, I almost fell over in relief.  We stayed outside for a minute or 2 longer then went back in to the warm house.  I immediately called the pediatrician's office and got Noah into see someone.  (Luckily our ped's office stays open late for emergent cases).  They gave him a steroid for croup and sent us home.  By tomorrow he'll be fine.

In all my life I have never dreamed I'd be standing outside in the freezing cold watching my son struggle for breath.  That helpless feeling is one I hope to never have again.  Watching a child hurt is the scariest thing; it is my biggest, most horrendous fear.