The scariest thing...

Ya know how you always imagine what would be the scariest thing you'd even encounter?  When I was a kid, it was a spider.  Oh who am I kidding?  I'm still scared of spiders.  Only now I know how to yell for Joel to come kill them.  My hero.  Then when I got older it was being scared of being kidnapped (too many kidnapping movies!).  I think when I was in college it was the fear of failing a test.  I can't remember!  How sad is that?

Then I became a parent.  Suddenly the fears of my childhood paled in comparison to the fear that something bad would happen to my child.  These 2 little miracles are mine to care for.  The thought that something could happen to them is by far the scariest thing I could even encounter; it is my biggest fear.

Tonight that fear was made real.  Noah stopped breathing.

Let me back up.  Noah has been fighting a cold the past few days.  So has about every other person in the midwest.  However Noah seems to get croup at the drop of a hat.  (If you don't know what croup is, click here).  So I noticed tonight that he had a croupy-type cough.  That's just great.  Joel was currently at the urgent care office being tested for strep throat.  I had about a million things I needed to get done tonight.  Namely, make 2 pumpkin pies and 1 cherry pie.  The LAST thing I needed to do was take Noah in to the doctor.  Plus if I took Noah, I'd have to take Hannah since Joel was gone.  I figured I'd wait a little bit and see if his cough improved at all.  Maybe it's my imagination, I thought.  A few minutes later Noah emerged from under the counter (a favorite hiding spot for him) and showed me that he had gotten into Joel's protein powder and dumped it all over the floor.  I tamped down my irritation and calmly told him that we don't play in daddy's things and we'd clean it up.  Well, apparently that did him in.  He gave me the poochy-lip-quiver and got ready to let loose.  One thing about croup...you're supposed to keep the child calm.  If they get too upset and start crying, the airway closes even more making it very difficult/nearly impossible to breathe.  You can see where I'm going with this, right?

I tried to stop it, I really did.  But it was too late.  He started crying.  Not just a little wimper.  Nope, it was a full-on mommy-is-mad-at-me-so-I-must-cry-because-I-am-so-sad type of cry.  It only took about 10 seconds for the breathing to stop.  As I was holding him, trying to calm him, the crying ceased and he tried to inhale.  Nothing.  I could hear him start to struggle.  In that moment, all my medical training went out the window.  This was my baby.  What do I do?  Then my adrenaline started pumping and I flew into action.  Another thing I knew about croup is that if the child is struggling for breath, get them outside in the cold air or into a hot, steamy shower.  Well, the shower was going to take too long.  So out the door I went.  It was all of 25 degrees outside and we're out there shivering.  I, still in my work clothes and Noah in his pants and sweatshirt.  It felt like 20 minutes before he got a good breath but it was more like 20 seconds.  Still, those 20 seconds were the scariest seconds I've had.  I just held my son and prayed that his lungs would inflate, that he'd suck down some precious air.  When he took his first shaky breath, I almost fell over in relief.  We stayed outside for a minute or 2 longer then went back in to the warm house.  I immediately called the pediatrician's office and got Noah into see someone.  (Luckily our ped's office stays open late for emergent cases).  They gave him a steroid for croup and sent us home.  By tomorrow he'll be fine.

In all my life I have never dreamed I'd be standing outside in the freezing cold watching my son struggle for breath.  That helpless feeling is one I hope to never have again.  Watching a child hurt is the scariest thing; it is my biggest, most horrendous fear.

Observations while drugged up

I've been sick for the past few days.  Actually almost a week now.  I don't think I've been this sick since I was a kid, if even then!  The funny thing is that I'm probably in the best shape I've been in for years so why the heck is my immune system taking a nose dive?  Just to mess with me, I'm sure.  So I happened to have a doctor's appointment on Thursday for another random reason so I mentioned my racking cough and sleepless nights.  My doctor listened to my lungs while I had another coughing fit, then announced that I have bronchitis.  Lovely.  On a brighter note, I got me some drugs.  :)

I'm on a medley of medications to get the coughing and infection under control.  Meds mess with my head.  While I enjoy the feeling of breathing without pain, it's an odd feeling to feel disconnected from my body.  I imagine this is what it feels like to be high, but since I've never been...I digress.

I'm very fortunate to have a mother that lives close by.  When I mentioned that I was sicker than a dog and Hannah was starting to get sick to, she swooped in a snatched up Noah for the day.  Ahhh...it was lovely.  I could sleep and rest without a 2-year-old boy jumping up and down on my head.

I also made some weird observations.  I blame the medication for these.

• The kitchen is farther away from my bedroom than the North Pole is to the South.  I know because I measured it.  I swear it's farther.
• Why do drug companies make pills so large the only people that can swallow them are those with abnormally large throats?  And then just when you think you'll either cut it half or crush it, you see on the bottle written in bold type SWALLOW WHOLE, DO NOT CRUSH.  Why?  Is the drug less effective?  Will the drug police come crashing down my door and arrest me for disobeying the label?  
• Dogs are annoying to have plastered to your side while you're trying to get some rest.  As soon as I'd find a comfortable position, one where I could breathe without coughing, Bella would start moving around and mess up the covers.  Then she'd get comfortable but I wasn't.
• Bella's body temperature is approximately 250 degrees.  I'd finally fall asleep after hours of tossing and turning only to wake up sweating.  At first I thought maybe I was breaking a fever.  But no, it was the dog.  She was hotter than a furnace and smashed up against my body.  And if I try to move her away she'll just wiggle her way back over to me.  
• Makeup is overrated.  When I was feeling icky and pukey, the last thing I wanted to do was put on makeup, therefore going from looking like death to looking like a death with smokey eyes.  

I'm glad to say that I am now on the mend.  The antibiotics are finally taking effect and the cough medicine is working.  I'm still coughing and loopy but at least I'm not contagious.  :)

It's been a while...

I haven't posted anything for a while.  Why?  No good reason.  Just busy and tired.  Plus, now that we're in the swing of school, we're kinda in a routine and it's hard to get away from that.  By the time the kids are in bed for the night, the kitchen is cleaned up, Hannah's lunch is made for the next school day, dinner is prepped for the next day, the laundry is put away/put in washer/folded I'm tired!  It's all I can do to yank the contacts out of my eyes and brush my teeth before falling into bed.  But I love it.  Why?  Because I'm insane.

Nothing too exciting has been going on lately.  Normal "fall" stuff.  We bought a season pass to an apple orchard not far from here.  It was awesome.  At first I thought...apple orchard?  Season pass?  Really?  But the orchard is a small part of the farm.  They have lots of animals to view, a corn pool, giant jumping pillow, lots of little fun things for the kids to do.  I took the kids every Monday after school.  They had such a great time.  Of course, Noah would come home with a diaper full of corn, but oh well.  He washes well.  I'm bummed that it's now closed for the season.  Next year we're definitely doing it again.  The kids got worn out and I got to chit chat with my bestie, Laura.  Win/win!

I have discovered the Ankeny dog park.  It's not like it hasn't been there before now but I just never had a need to go there.  Bella LOVES it.  As soon as I pull into the parking lot she's up to the window whining to get out.  I have to wrestle her to stay on the leash until we get through the gate.  Then she's off!  I have never seen that dog run so fast!  She is built for speed so away she goes.  If there are other dogs there (which there typically is), she'll find ones that like to run too and they chase each other.  I'm amazed at the energy in that dog.  She'll run for 45 minutes straight until I tell her we need to go.  Then she trots back to the car before passing out in the backseat.  Once we get home, she's usually curled up in her bed for the rest of the day.

I'm thinking of finding a dog park for kids.  Noah needs somewhere to run off this energy.  Man, it'd be nice if he could run around for a few hours then come home and sleep.

When I get around to uploading pictures from the past few months, I'll post a few.  We've done a lot of 'family' type things this fall.  Lots of fall fun.  Sometimes the fun looks better on paper than in reality, but at least we were together as a family.  Joel and I may have wanted to strangle the kids by the time we left, but at least we had togetherness.

And isn't that the most important thing?  :)