Split Pants and a Pine Tree

There has been many times over the past several years that, upon hearing the Cowell Family Kickball stories, there has been desire to join our family in our activities.  After reading this story, you may rethink that decision...

A few years ago my cousin Mike was getting married.  His fiancée-now-wife, Sandy had been a part of the Cowell Kickball Extravaganza a time or two before but I don't know that she fully comprehended the seriousness that is kickball.  Being the Cowells and the fact we do almost everything together, we decided to throw Mike and Sandy a couple's wedding shower.  For those who don't know what that is, it's basically the same as a bridal shower only men come too...and the gifts are mostly "home-ish".

So on this particular day, Sandy's mom, dad, and brother came down for the shower.  We had food and gift opening, a few cheesy games...blah, blah, blah.  And then the real fun began...KICKBALL!!!

Now the Cowells don't wimp out on kickball.  We've been known to have instant replay (Aunt Faye video tapes then we play back if there's a questionable call), the National Anthem is sang (Salli and I have a fabulous rendition we like to display), and lines are either spray painted or mowed.  Oh, and we have an electric scoreboard too.  Yep, we're hardcore.

So out we went to Uncle Don's backyard.  We figured out the teams, rules, and prepared to play.  But before all festivities could begin, Salli and I lead the group in a singing of the National Anthem.  Probably the funniest part of that was later while viewing a picture of it, Shawn had his hand over his heart.  Rumor has it, although not confirmed that Sandy's dad did the same.  We are nothing if not patriotic.  :)

The game began and was off with a bang.  At some point I was up to kick.  I'm really thinking Salli was all-time pitcher because she was uber pregnant with Natalie.  I kicked the ball and ran like the wind.  Nearing first base, I could see that the ball was being thrown towards me to get an out.  Well that just isn't acceptable.  I tried to run faster but there was a problem.  The grass was wet.  Therefore when I increasing my foot speed, all I ended up doing to sliding.  One foot went forward, the other backwards.  Now while you ponder how this looks, let me help you out.  I did the splits.  I've never before in my life done the splits.  My legs just don't go that way.  They did this day though.  I heard a ripping sound and truly though I had ripped something vital.  But as I stood up and took a look, I had ripped a hole in my pants.  In the crotch of my pants.  Classy.  However, I was safe on base!

Soon after the crotch ripping experience, I was in the fielding position.  Someone, can't remember who kicked a ball right over my head.  I went running backwards/sideways for it.  As my hands closed over that ball, I ran smack into a pine tree. I didn't just gently brush against the thing.  Nope, I annihilated it.  I was completely and totally inside the tree!  So now besides a rip in my crotch, I also had pine needles in my hair and scratches on my face from the tree.  One would think that after a head-on collision like that, concerned family members would run over to make sure I hadn't done permanent damage.  Yes, those questions were asked.  But only after it was determined I had indeed caught the ball.  Only after I had exited the tree, wiping the blood and pine needles from my face with one hand and holding the ball in the other.  Even then there was much discussion about whether or not the tree counted as the ball hitting the ground prior to being caught since, of course the tree is attached to the ground.  Then I was asked if I was ok.  I'm pretty sure by now Sandy's parents are totally thinking I am we are the most neurotic family in the world and why would Sandy want to be in it!  Can't say I blame them.  Mike's cousin (me) looked like I had been in a bar fight.

By the end of the day Sandy's family must have figured out we're not that bad because they still let her marry Mike.