Battle of the Bulge

For the majority of my life, I've battled my weight. It's a crappy challenge to have. There was a short time in college when I liked my weight. I think, as women we are constantly barraged with images of what a perfect, ideal woman should look like. It's such a crock. When Joel married me, he didn't marry me for my weight. He didn't marry me for any of my physical attributes. That may have been what initially attracted him to me but it wasn't what kept me in his life. My husband is a wonderful man. He has things about himself he doesn't like and he works hard to change them. So why can't I do the same?

Apparently I like excuses. I use them all the time. Why don't I do the laundry? Because then I'd have to put the clothes away and I HATE putting clothes away. Why don't I go for a walk? Because I'd have to get the stroller out and bundle up the kids. That's a lot of work. Yep, excuses are my friend. So why don't I try harder to lose weight? My excuses are many: I have 2 kids that need my attention, I'm too tired by the time I get home from work, I don't have time in the morning, I have thyroid disease, I have stupid ovaries...

My favorite excuse is: I'll start tomorrow fresh. Let's just eat pizza and ice cream tonight for "my last meal". :) That's a good one.

My husband is training for a 1/2 marathon. I hate running. I always say that if I'm being chased by a knife-wielding assailant, MAYBE I could run a mile. Otherwise, nope. I'm much happier just strolling along. Why be tired and sweaty? Why put the extra pressure on my knees? Don't you know runners have bad knees?? But when it comes right down to it, running is not the only exercise around. There are plenty of other things I could do. I just hate doing them.

I've tried many diets. Weight watchers, LA weight loss, the South Beach Diet. I just have no will power. If there is junk food in the house, I eat it. So why do I have junk food in the house? I really don't. If you look in my cupboards, there aren't any chips, no cookies, no ice cream. But what I do have, I'll eat a lot of it. It's my nemesis and I hate it. I hate going to a store and struggling to find clothes that look good on me. I hate having my picture taken for fear I'll look enormous. I'm usually the photographer so I can be behind the lens instead of in front of it. And I'm sick of it.

I want to be around when my kids are older. I don't want to die young of a heart attack or diabetes or be an embarrassment to my kids at their school activities. Who wants be known as the child of "that fat lady"??

So with that in mind, I'm starting over a new leaf. It's getting to be spring time now. Everything is getting to be fresh and new. It's warming up outside and there's the scent of newness in the air. It's time. It's past time, actually but it's taken a while for me to have a wake-up call. I'm going to have bad days; we all do. I'm going to have days when I want to throw in the towel and eat that entire bag of chips. But when it all boils down to it, I don't want to be fat anymore. I want Joel to be proud to have me on his arm. Even though he says he's always proud of me, I want to see his eyes light up when he sees me in a pretty dress. That's my goal. I want to do this for my family but I need to do it for me. Only I can change myself.

So I'm asking for help. If you're reading this and you know me, send me a note every once in a while. You can e-mail me, post a comment on here, send me a note on facebook. Whatever. Just let me know you are rooting for me and you understand. I don't want to be fat the rest of my life. I'm ready for a change.